He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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