$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
