so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
