Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
