Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So much rum. So many feels.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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