I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
