Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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