i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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