I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
