I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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