I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
