also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
