Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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