ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
