I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
