First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
