I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
