I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Randomize
