i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
