Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't deserve a penis
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
