I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
