His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
