how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
even my farts smell like vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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