I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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