there's paper in my vomit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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