I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
