So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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