Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
