mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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