I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
