She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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