I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
