I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
