all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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