I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
