Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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