i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
