my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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