Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
