so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When are your genitals available?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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