I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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