I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
