Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
