I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My penis needs a shock collar
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
