Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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