A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
