Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
