My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
