I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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