So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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