what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
