I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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