Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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