If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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